First and foremost, I am not the target demographic for this commercial. I care about fitness, I try to eat right and work out regularly, but I have no interest in “getting crazy” with an “eleven-minute body-shredding routine.” They also seem to really emphasize that this equipment will make you “bigger, harder, stronger,” which really just sounds like it’s overcompensating for something, right? Also, I don’t think you should EVER look like this guy to the right while working out. That just seems unhealthy. He looks like Bane in Batman: The Animated Series just before his veins get overfilled with toxin and he explodes!

Here’s my biggest problem, though. The tagline “Gotta Door? You Gotta Gym.” I don’t think these guys know what the word “gotta” means. Yes, it sounds aggressive and tough, which seems to be what they were going for, but “gotta” is a replacement term for “got to” or “have to,” as in “I have got to get to the hospital before my heart busts through my freakishly large muscular neck.” They’re using it in place of “got a” which – aside from being typographically identical to “gotta” minus one letter – is used in statements like “who’s got a credit card so I can buy this worthless crap?” You can say “Christ, the cops are here. We gotta make a run for it,” but you can’t say “My sister gotta abortion yesterday,” and not just because “abortion” starts with a vowel so you’d want it to be “gottan” (although “abortion” could be a verb… but then “gotta abortion” would imply that she had a deep desire to perform abortions, which is again unsettling).

For that matter, the tagline seems to imply that “you” is taking the place of “you’ve” or “you have.” What they’re trying to say is “If you’ve got a door, then you’ve got a gym.” but by using “gotta” they’re making the words that follow into active verbs, so what it actually says is “Have to door (as in actively construct and/or use doors)? You have to gym (as in play while keeping physically active, like at a gymnasium).” That’s the most sense I can make out of the line, and even that’s pretty much nonsense. I know you’re marketing your wall-based workout equipment to mixed martial arts fans who watch Comedy Central after midnight, but somebody somewhere still has to care about proper usage of grammar in the English language, right?

This is probably why I got beat up in high school…

The Summer of Scott Pilgrim

Back when I was first talking to Bryan Lee O’Malley about his upcoming “Scott Pilgrim” book series in 2004, neither of us ever imagined what a huge sensation it would become. International best-seller, lauded by critics and media outlets, a cultural touchstone for an entire generation of slacker hipsters. Even with all that’s come before, though, summer 2010 will be remembered as the summer of Scott Pilgrim. It all starts next week with the release of the sixth and final volume in the series, Scott Pilgrim’s Finest Hour, wherein all questions will be answered, all plot threads tied up, and we’ll all have to move on to something else. A mere three weeks later sees the release of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: The Game on the Playstation Network. The 16-bit River City Ransom homage sports squeal-worthy art direction by acclaimed animator Paul Robertson and an original soundtrack by Brooklyn’s own chiptune power group Anamanaguchi. Fandom is sure to reach an all time high, though, with the August 13th release of the major motion picture adaptation Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, directed by Shaun of the Dead‘s Edgar Wright and starring a cavalcade of hip young actors from everything cool in the past decade.

Intense new seasons of cutting-edge TV drama

The two most-talked about season finales last year were those from Dexter and Mad Men. One season ended with a small core team of the characters quitting their jobs, stealing everything they could from their old office and setting up their brand new agency in a tiny apartment, the other ended with the protagonist stopping the world’s most successful serial killer only to find his wife as the killer’s final victim and himself with no alibi (see if you can guess which show was which). Dexter and Mad Men were both already among the most popular and celebrated shows on television, but the status quo-changing finales last year served as fantastic set-ups for what are absolutely certain to be fresh and exciting new seasons. The characters are all forced into wholly new situations (starting a new business from the ground-up, divorce, single parenthood, suspicion of murder), the intensity be positively rife.

New albums from the biggest names in indie-rock

2010′s already been pretty great for music. We’ve seen long-awaited returns from the likes of Gorillaz, Gil Scott-Heron, and Devo, powerful returns from Los Campesinos!, LCD Soundsystem, and Xiu Xiu, and stellar debuts from the Drums, Fang Island, and Sleigh Bells. Fantastic as all that has been, there’s the very good chance all of that may be forgotten when the tidal wave of summer and fall releases hit, including new albums from the Books, Menomena, Arcade Fire (whose The Suburbs is seen at right), Chromeo, !!!, Klaxons, Eels, Interpol, The Thermals, Les Savy Fav, Röyksopp, The Walkmen, Of Montreal, No Age, Ben Folds, and Antony & the Johnsons. If there’s not a band in that list that gets you excited and tingly then you probably aren’t hip enough to be targeted by national advertising campaigns for your valuable interest. Plainly stated, that’s a pretty epic lineup of album releases. Here’s hoping most of them don’t suck!

Toy Story 3

It’s hard to look past the history of the Toy Story franchise. The very first entirely computer-animated theatrical release, the original Toy Story captivated audiences fifteen years ago. It’s sequel in 1999 met with universal acclaim, a surprisingly existential family film that provoked thought and feelings in a way uncharacteristic of summer blockbusters. Toy Story 3 had started as a Disney project independent of creators Pixar, but when Toy Story 1 & 2 director John Lasseter became chief creative officer of Disney animation studios in 2006 his first duty was scrapping the entire production and putting Toy Story 3 back in the hands of Pixar to start from scratch. The result is the most emotionally poignant film I’ve seen in years. The final thirty minutes has the entire audience in a constant stream of salty tears.

Breaking Bad season 3

Bryan Cranston has won two Emmy’s for best lead actor in a drama in a row, and with good cause. The best show on television only got better in its third season as Cranston’s Walter White dug himself deeper into the dark underworld he never wanted to be a part of. Aaron Paul’s Jesse Pinkman gets out of rehab with a new lease on life – to be “the bad guy.” Dean Norris’s Hank Schrader had a series of violent emotional breakdowns, culminating in an edge-of-your-seat showdown with two of the most brutal characters in recent television history. Anna Gunn’s Skylar White even “broke bad” herself, becoming the most actively deceptive character in the cast. The first two seasons of Breaking Bad certainly had their intense moments, but the bar was truly raised this season. It will be hard to wait a whole year to see the ramifications of the cliffhanger finale. Only time and creator Vince Gilligan will tell if these characters can cope with the decisions they’ve made along the way to breaking bad.

Starscream’s The Space Years

Future, and It Doesn’t Work was one of the most pleasant surprises of 2009. The young New York duo Starscream gave us chiptune prog rock that carried audiences on cascading waves of warbled atmosphere and crashed into the rocky cliffs of crunchy garage drums. The delayed follow-up concept EP The Space Years takes this established formula and runs as far as it can go. Fully expecting their audience to be patiently captivated, Damon Hardjowirogo masterfully builds anticipation with long shoegaze-like threads of squarewave harmonies. The relaxed playfulness is like jazz, juxtaposing well with samples of a frantic preacher lecturing about the necessity of repenting ones sins and worrying not for one’s job or Game Boy (ah, I see what you guys did there). George Stroud’s powerful drumming frees the listener from the tension of the slow climb and announces escape velocity, the point at which Starscream explode through the mesosphere. With The Space Years, Starscream have succeeded in making a musical recording that is both other-worldly and grounded, alien and human, takeoff and landing.

Oni’s announcement included original artwork by Parker Jacobs, Julia Vickerman, Matthew Loux, Dave McCaig, Vicente Navarrete and Shawn Crystal. No formal announcements yet about who else will be involved in the anthology, but I think one safe bet would be Chris Eliopoulos, the adorable illustrator with all-ages books coming out soon from both Simon & Schuster and Top Shelf who also directed some animated segments for YGG! last season. Check out his Brobee at right. Cute as a button!

Another easy bet would be the team of Evan Dorkin and Sarah Dyer, who designed the Super Martian Robot Girl animated segments for the Yo Gabba Gabba! tv show and are frequent contributors to alternative comic anthologies like DC’s Bizzaro and Marvel’s Strange Tales. While we’re at it, it’s hard to imagine an all-ages comic anthology coming out right now without the work of Dave Roman and Raina Telgemeier, the power-couple of all-ages comics. Roman himself was comics editor at Nickelodeon for a decade, so his knowledge of Gabbaland is likely intimate*.

Oni’s Director of Sales and Marketing and all-around Hip Dude Cory Casoni said “The first anthology is absolutely something you can read to your kids… You should watch the show even if you don’t have kids, this show is fantastic.” Yo Gabba Gabba! Story Comic Book Time Vol. 1, the first of what Oni promises to be many volumes**, is expected in bookstores this Fall.

* – In truth, it was Dave & Raina who first informed me about Yo Gabba Gabba! long before it was picked up by Nickelodeon. They are both huge fans of the band The Aquabats, whose lead singer Christian Jacobs is one of the show’s co-creators and also voices Plex, the show’s yellow magic robot character.

** – I already have more Oni-published books on my bookshelf than any other publisher, including non-comics, so this could start to cause a problem for me. Or not, you know, whatever.

1 – The Legacy

This Parenthood is a revamp of the short-lived 1990 series of the same name, which itself was spun out of the 1989 Steve Martin film of the same name. The 1990 series was praised by critics as the best film-to-television adaptation since M*A*S*H*. That’s quite the pedigree to revive, particularly considering all three iterations were spearheaded by one Ron Howard.

2 – The Cast

Again a legacy matter, as the film featured Steve Martin, Keanu Reeves, Diane Wiest, Joaquin Phoenix and Rick Moranis while the 1990 series starred Ed Begley Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio, Thora Birch and David Arquette. The new series features established stars Craig T. Nelson, Lauren Graham and Peter Krause along with popular up-and-comers like Dax Shepard and Mae Whitman (whom I am honorbound to love for her involvement in Arrested Development, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World). Not only are these all talented actors, but they’re damn likable.

3 – The Producers

It’s easy to overlook how important a production team is on a show considering how many producers have ten shows on the air in any given season. You’ve undoubtedly seen both Ron Howard and Brian Grazer’s names all over the place, but there’s only one TV show I can think of where I’ve seen their names together before, and that was fellow cancelled-too-soon cult favorite Arrested Development. Yes, that’s why the show’s promos prominently feature the executive producer credits, because they want the audience to remember “these are the guys who made Arrested Development” without namedropping a rival network’s commercial flop. And you know what? It worked, because here I am, totally pumped up for some Parenthood.

As one of the few new scripted shows of NBC’s 2009/2010 season (discounting variety shows like the failed Jay Leno Show and the upcoming Marriage Ref), the quality odds are also in Parenthood‘s favor. Trauma and Mercy have both proven to be popular and compelling, and lone sitcom Community has easily proven to be my favorite new series of the year. Basically, outside of their late-night spaz-out, NBC’s been on fire this year with quality content. If I were a betting man and there were a stock market for such things, I would put a ridiculous amount of my money on Parenthood to be great and successful.

With VH1 playing in the background while working last week a commercial came on for the seventh season of Celebrity Fit Club. Seventh. Oh lord, this can’t be good. Casting former dancer and guy-who-finally-turned-Britney-Spears-into-straight-up-trailer-trash Kevin Federline against longtime sitcom actress and KFed’s baby momma Shar Jackson is clearly the hype magnet VH1 is banking on this season, completely ignoring the already-tired-on-the-reality-scene washed up music stars Bobby Brown and Sebastian Bach, but I was sold when I realized the sassy dude with glasses in the promo was none other than Project Runway winner Jay McCarroll. Apparently Jay isn’t famous enough to actually get namedropped in the promo, but he’s known to be as entertaining as two well-dressed koalas fighting over a pack of eucalyptus cigarettes with only interpretive dance as their weapons. Dammit, VH1, you’ve done it again (although that koala show would be pretty sweet). Alright, let’s give this a shot…

The cast is rounded out by High School Musical fat girl KayCee Stroh, Tanisha Thomas from Bad Girls Club (a show I liken to Dutch Oven & Camp Cooking in that I only know it exists from watching E!’s The Soup) and former Baywatch babe Nicole Eggert, who basically looks like a middle-aged MILF, but since she used to be a supermodel or something I guess she needs to lose weight? Or something?

In the first episode, Jay absolutely whups K-Fed’s behind in an obstacle course, Tanisha throws up after running from her bunk to… the tree outside her bunk, Bobby Brown has fried chicken and beer for dinner (which I suppose is his prerogative… I don’t feel good about that joke at all) and Shar cries about abandonment issues and being an unwilling tabloid star (a theme I am certain will be constant all season). Jay is really stealing the show, though, by being absolutely charming and not even remotely a diva, though he does lament the inability to accessorize workout sweats (a woe he corrects by inexplicably wearing gold chains to his weigh-in!). Oh yeah, and he talks about how his dad was diagnosed with diabetes at his age and how he watched as it slowly killed him bit-by-bit. That’s damn endearing television right there.

Outside of the typical problem with these first episodes being way too long and starting off really slow, it was actually a lot of fun watching rocker Sebastian Bach get knocked down a few pegs for not being able to do a proper sit-up and raging bitch Tanisha suddenly scared straight by alpha dog drill instructor Harvey Walden. More importantly, Jay McCarroll is on television again and he’s warmed my heart all over again, so I suppose I’m stuck watching yet another trashy reality competition, rooting the fashionable one on. And with the Olympics being generally boring so far, I’ve got no problem watching the new episode of Fit Club tonight.

Season One’s cutthroat fireball Tiffani Faison made it all the way to the finale and tried to impress by making twice the required number of dishes. Quantity does not equate to quality, however, and she was unanimously shut down in favor of Harold’s smaller but more satisfying menu.

There was absolutely no arguing against Elia Aboumrad being one of the most talented chefs in Season Two, and while her snapper and poke were not mind-blowingly fantastic, the judges were clearly upset to see Elia pressured by her peers to accuse Marcel of cheating. Disappointment was compounded by her inability to produce any evidence, and so Elia had to go, proving once again that in reality television, as in life, no one likes a tattletale.

Casey Thompson impressed, racking up the most elimination challenge wins of any of Season Three’s finalists. She was focused, determined, and one hell of a kickass chef. It seemed like we might have finally had our first female Top Chef. Her four final courses, however, were middling, leaving the judges to choose between the other two hit-or-miss male chefs. Casey did get some form of redemption, though, in being awarded the season’s “fan-favorite.”

And then there was Season Four, Top Chef Chicago, and Stephanie Izard, one of the most consistently excellent contestants in the history of the show. It was no surprise to most when she won the Top Chef title over the talented but cocky Richard Blaise. Even less of a surprise is what a shill she’s been since, happy to smile for the camera and endorse whatever product the producers ask. I’m sure it’s in her contract, but curious we’ve never seen any of the male Top Chef winners whored out this much.

Carla Hall was a dark horse favorite entering the Season Five finale, having wowed the judges during the last round in New York with – believe it or not – fresh peas. She was often praised for bringing her personality and love into her food, and things were looking up for Carla as the finale was set in national soul food capitol, New Orleans. Alas, triumph was not meant to be as the motherly oddball Carla was partnered with the aforementioned runner-up and super-precise Casey. Their cooking styles did not mesh and neither did their personalities – the passive Carla let non-contestant Casey change the menu and direction. Without her signature love, Carla did not stand a chance.

The final episodes before Season Six’s finale were not looking too bright for the double-X chromosome either. Jennifer Carroll, the only female chef worth a damn of the bunch, had been a top competitor for the first eight weeks, then suddenly experienced a dearth of confidence, motivation, and enthusiasm. Head judge Tom Collichio noticed this and suggested she might have hit a wall in the competition’s marathon pace. Restitution came with the final quickfire in Las Vegas, however, as host Padma Lakshmi tasted Jennifer’s ballotine, looked up at her and plainly said “welcome back.”

And so we enter the season six finale in Napa, California. Jennifer remains among the finalists, against fierce competitors Kevin Gillespie and the brothers Voltaggio, Bryan and Michael. She could just as easily be outclassed or blow the competition away. Top Chef is undoubtedly a pop culture phenomenon, with cookbooks, party games, and of course kitchen utensils on store shelves this holiday season. A seventh proper season, a second run at Top Chef Masters (the celebrity chef charity spin-off), and two new branches to the franchise (Top Chef Junior and Just Desserts) are all in the early stages of production, and with them many more potentially fantastic female flavor forerunners. And so I humbly beseech you, sisters, mothers, daughters and wives, learn from the mistakes of the women who fell before you. Do not second guess your talent, do not bow to the whims of those more confident than you, remember that you made it this far for being yourself because you are wonderful. There is no reason for men to be so routinely winning at this game. It is your biological imperative to feed the future generations. Do so with your legacy.